The next few days

Okay, I know it's weird to have all of these posts in such short succession, but I wanted to chronicle everything before I forget all of the emotions that have been whirling through my head since I received a phone call from a former partner of mine saying that he'd been exposed to HIV.

To say the least, the last few days have been a comforting nightmare. Comforting because of the support from friends and family that I've been getting. Granted I haven't told all of them all of the details, but enough to get by. I'm still to afraid to tell anyone the whole truth. Hiding my sexuality from my parents has been a years-long battle that I may have to end in the next few weeks if my test results also come back positive. But, when I told my mother that a friend of mine had been exposed to HIV, she sounded sympathetic, which was a bit of a relief to me, even though I know her tone would/will change as soon as she finds out that her child may or may not have the virus.

The last few days haven't been all that great though. Sure a few friends I've talked about it with have shared their feelings and been relatively supportive, but the internal anguish is often too much to bear. Not to mention the questions that constantly race through my head. It feels like my mind is a whirlwind of uncertainty.

As each day passes, the fear and the anxiety subside a little bit more. On Tuesday my current bf and I tried to go to the county healthcare clinic to get tested, but we were turned away because they're appointments for the day were already full. It was only 3 in the afternoon. I was angry at that. I was angry because other sick people were taking the doctors away from me... as if I am somehow better than the people who have to go to the county clinic because they can't afford to go anywhere else. Then I became angry at myself for being selfish. Being turned away was just another blow in an already devastating week.